Sometimes life gives you lemons, but what happens when it gives you The Rash to end all Rashes? This past couple of weeks, I decided to take a hit for the team and find out.

I started out by detaching my ACL from my knee-bone. This step was actually not as bad as some have said. I thought it was kind of like the band-aid principle. When you first tear it off, it hurts like hell, and then the pain goes away. However, it really did hurt a lot, which is why I think so many people avoid this Route to Rashiness. Once my ACL was good and detached, I walked around on it for a few days, just to make sure it was good and torn. I could feel my knee slipping around while I tried to walk down stairs, so I knew I was on the right track!

The next step was pretty straightforward. I paid an orthopedic surgeon an obscene amount of money to cut my leg open, strip out a piece of my hamstring, and then use said hamstring piece to reattach my ACL to the bone. The surgery went well, and they sent me home to recuperate for the next stage of the experiment.

After a fun-filled week of Percocet and little yogurt cups, I was in good enough shape to go see the doctor again so I could get The Rash Riot underway. At the doctor’s office, they stripped off my old bandages and replaced them with new, compact steri-strips. And just to make sure that a) the strips didn’t go anywhere and b) that I would get The Rash of my life, they used some medical glue to tamp those strips down. One appointment and another prescription for pain meds later, I was on my way to The Rash!

–Warning! The following paragraphs contain graphic descriptions that may be unsuitable for small children and those who hate awesomeness in all of its forms–

Two days later, I finally had some results! Large, angry blisters had formed underneath the steri-strips, and there was blister juice oozing out all over the place. Yum yum. In addition, I also noticed a small amount of swelling around the knee. In order to give The Rash enough time to really run its course, I decided not to do anything about said Rash until the weekend was upon me, at which point, the doctor’s office was closed. Perfect, and entire weekend of incubation! And I made good use of the weekend, watching with pride as my leg swelled to nearly twice its normal size, whilst becoming increasingly itchy.

By the end of the weekend, I knew that I had to go for broke with The Rash, so rather than go see the doctor on Monday, I jumped on a plane to Seattle to attend a conference for a couple of days! This was the right choice for The Rash experiment. By the time I returned from Seattle, My leg looked like a plump sausage. Or a Lil’ Smokey, which I tend to enjoy more. What was even better was that The Rash, discontented with being confined to my leg, decided to spread everywhere. And I do mean EVERYWHERE. At this point, The Rash had truly become THE RASH. I was eating Benadryl like a fat kid eats cake, just to survive. By the time I got home from Seattle and into the doctor’s office, I was convinced that my life had evolved into one gigantic itch that I could never scratch enough.

Thankfully, this was the beginning of the end of The Rash. Two days of intravenously-delivered steroids and antibiotics and an oral regimen of more of the same (plus more benadryl) and I was on the road to recovery. As of the time of this writing, I’m still a bit rashy and more itchy than I should be. But I’m getting there. So thanks for asking, Erin.

Note: I have pictures, but I have to get them off my camera, which requires me to find a special cable that apparently doesn’t want to be found. But I’ll get it. And then you’ll have your pictures.

Tags: rash, seattle, smx advanced, allergy